There is a motley parade out there of Food Network 'celebrities' that I can't stand. Leading the pack shitty-food-first is Rachael Ray. Her voice, a cross between acute laryngitis and choking on one of Izaboo's chew toys, is insufferable. The recipes run a continuum of uninspired to inedible. I hate all of her inane phrases that she insists on explaining in EVERY SINGLE EPISODE ("E.V.O.O., which is actually Extra Virgin Olive Oil"... "it's a Stoup - thicker than a soup, thinner than a chowder... Stoup!!!"). Calling her viewers kids, which I guess makes sense. You have to either be extremely underage or extremely drunk to want to dive into Quick 'n Cheezy Hot Dog Cassabake. Guy Slammalammadingdongajamma Fieri, mug-raping the camera in a relentless quest to steal the scene from a small town's local legend burgers and pancakes. He too abbreviating everything in sight, believing in the charisma he doesn't actually have gives him license to do so. The sunglasses-on-back-of-head, trashy bleached hair and smell of Axe body wash that can actually waft through the TV seal the douchebag deal.
But most unwatchable, most loathsome amongst a list that continues to go on (Alex Guarnachelli and her bitchface, Alton Brown's patronizing, Ted Allen's utter uselessness) is Sandra Lee.
The terrible food with no finesse. The creepy tablescapes. The concerning abundance of vodka. The lllllllooong llllllll's (llllllllllllllemon llllllllllllollllllllllipops you're gonna lllllllllllllllllove!). Her perchance for comandeering her nephew for these ackwardly mimed family brunches.
So, when I want to present a recipe that involves a few premade shortcuts, I refuse the Semi-Homemade label. I will not, in any way, align myself with this glue gun-happy psychopath.
I will call it Scratch-Deficient.