Friday, February 4, 2011

Starbucks Chicanery

There was a coffee bean emergency at my work this morning (don't ask or even try to comprehend; it's not worth it), so I had to run over to Starbucks and get a bag of whole beans.  As I waited in a sprawling line almost out the door to pay for three things with three different credit cards, a sign for New Artisan Sandwiches! caught my eye.  Artisan sandwiches, eh?  Sounds fancy. And it also sounds a hell of a lot better than the packet of dry Quaker oatmeal with reconstituted apples in my car.  The bacon and gouda sandwich on ciabatta made my mouth water, but the veggie monterey jack had my healthy senses tingling.  It's veggies!  Those are good for me.  I swiped my card for one (then my boss's for his Grande Americano, and the company card for the damn beans), then took it back to my desk to savor.

When I opened it up, I expected it to be overflowing with leafy, bright goodness.  This is exactly what I get whenever I order the Noah's Bagels Spinach, Mushroom and Asparagus Thin Egg White Melt (oh my god, YUM!  So fresh-tasting and delicious!).  It's an earthy mix of crisp, real veggies that makes my mouth water just thinking about it.  Not quite as good as their Santa Fe Burrito I used to order about once a week before I realized I needed a serious food intervention, but still pretty awesome.  Instead, I found myself playing a game of Where's The Veggies?  I see the egg, I see the cheese.  Where the hell are the vegetables?  The egg tasted lightly dusted with veggie, like maybe someone rubbed a piece of broccoli against it at some point.  Otherwise, I was drowning in a world of yellow breakfast blah.

OH WAIT, A PEPPER!  Well, now it all makes sense.  This is definitely a produce feast for the senses.  This fleck of bell pepper absolutely proves that.

Lying corporate hacks.

If that wasn't bad enough, I plug it in to my Weight Watchers tracker and find that it's 10 points!!!  The same amount of points as the probably-far-superior Bacon Gouda one!  Although, I don't know.  I may have been just as disappointed if the theme holds through and the sandwich ended up just 'bacon-kissed.'  Anyway, I wasn't exactly benefited by making a perceived healthy choice. 

I want to love Starbucks, I really do.  Yarr, th' salty waters of Puget Sound run through me veins thick 's blood.  I'll always cheer Seattle over Portland.  Go Sounders!  Go Real Taco Time!  Go Other Pioneer Square!  But Starbucks makes it so hard:  the bad, overpriced coffee, syrups with bad aftertastes, shitty beatnik Muzak, the frozen-in-the-middle spinach wrap I had once, and now this!?  I think I've learned my lesson.  Dutch Brothers for coffee, Noah's for stellar breakfast sandwiches, and Quaker for dry reconstituted oatmeal.

Case closed.


  1. Oh if only the Schwanns breakfast pizzas were under 10 pts. And have to agree, Dutch Bros. is the best next to coffee made by my favorite barista at the Lab Coffee stand in Orting.

  2. so disappointing. that's really pathetic for something that's supposed to have veggies in it!

  3. It was a real letdown. At least the Schwan's pizzas are fantastic if you don't care about points or calories.